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Timeless Twins

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[24 May 2012|03:35pm]

[ mood | blah ]

You know those moments when everything is going right, life seems perfect, you're in love and you're almost ludicrously happy? I had  one of those today and then it all just came crashing down when I realised that she isn't here to share it with me. That she'll never be here again to share them with me. I can't just pick up the phone anymore. I am so in love, but sometimes that really hurts because I know I'm getting to experience something she never will. 

Just a thought.

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[24 Apr 2011|09:11am]

hey dudes,

my name's Adrian, I'm 23 and lost my twin sister Kelly nearly a month ago to brain cancer.

I stumbled upon this community after posting on another journal. Estellhope commented and said she knew how I felt. Obviously I flew into my by-now-instinctive rage of "KJHKJHSKJHDKH! HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND?!!" before I realised that maybe she did actually understand.

little bit of lj-profile stalking later and I'm here. Finally with some people who actually understand what it's like to have that big gaping hole and who understand how it is to feel like you're half a person. And who get what it's like to feel so isolated in their grief because nobody else really understands what was lost.

Uh. So that's it really. I guess I'm just here because I want someone who's actually been here to tell me that the sun will still come up tomorrow and that it does get easier.

love and light,
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introduction [27 Jan 2007|09:00pm]

Hi I am Charlotte (Charly) I am 26 years old Soon to be 27. I lost my identical twin sister Charlene, in a car accident in 2000. I really miss her and I am glad there is a community for this.
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I can't decide... [10 Jan 2006|04:42pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

If this job is helping me with my feelings and grieving my sister or not... I guess it is.

One of the cemeteries faxed a list over of names and dates of death they needed the records from the 1930's-50's. Not until I got up in the archives did I realize they were all infants or stillborn infants. And then I stumbled upon the twins. After I faxed the pages, I sat here reading them. Every single one of them. Days old, hours old, stillborn. Cause of Death. Parents, siblings, grandparents.

I think the reason I'm so preoccupied with all of the infant services and merchandise offer is because my sister doesn't have any of that. I don't have a place to go and sit at the cemetery with her. Sometimes I drive out and sit in the baby sections.... It seems to help sometimes.

Anyone else have this preoccupation? (haha... I'm thinking not many, since I'm probably one of the only people on here who work at a funeral home)

x-posted twinlesstwins

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Why didn't I think to look for this sooner? [01 Dec 2005|03:24pm]

[ mood | grateful ]

Reading through everyone's posts, I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts.

Since I can remember, I always thought something was missing. Growing up in church I'd always hear about "the empty hole in your heart" before you accept Christ. I always assumed I was a horrible Christian because that hole hadn't gone away no matter how hard I prayed or how much I read the Bible or went to Sunday School or Confirmation or any of the things that are supposed to bring you closer to God. It turns out that I've got a great relationship with God, I'm just missing my twin.

My mother had lots of problems carrying a pregnancy to term. She doesn't talk much about it, and I don't ask because you can see the pain in her eyes, but from what I've gathered there were 3-4 miscarriages before I was born and then 2 after with my real dad and one when I was 13 with my stepfather.

When I was young, my mom would threaten to cover all of the mirrors in the house with a black sheet if I didn't stop staring at myself. I've had bouts with depression and an eating disorder. When I was about 14, it slipped. My mom spilled the beans to me that the story of, "I was so big the doctor thought I was having twins" really was "I was having twins." My twin didn't make it very far into the second trimester. She was so happy to just be pregnant at all, she didn't jinx it by telling anyone it was twins and since my father wasn't the most supportive man in the world, she never even told him. It was never brought up. She had a beautiful baby girl and that was all that mattered.

I'm so glad this community is here. I hardly talk about my twin, but I miss her. People don't understand... and since my mom doesn't talk about it, no one really knows.

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[10 Mar 2005|01:19am]
First off, just let me say that I've been lurking here on various journals for a year now, and it's really helped me a lot. Thanks for this community.

Hi. My name, online at least, is Alex, and I'm almost fifteen years old. When I was in the womb, I had a twin for two or three months. And then, I didn't.

I'm not sure about the details- my mom didn't know she was having twins, so I know it was early, but I don't know what happened. I do know that my sister (and, though there's no evidence, I think my twin was also female) didn't make it past three months in the womb and I was born a healthy, if late, baby.

When I was young, I always felt off. It was like something was missing, a part of me was gone. I also, I'm told, used to tell my mom and my grandmother that I thought I should have been a twin. On Halloween 2002, my mother told me about my sister. We were camping then, but when we got home the next day, I cried for two days. It explained a lot, but it also hurt worse than anything, and I got a major case of guilt that I had survived. I didn't feel worthy of being the one left alive. I became extremely depressed and my OCD, usually fairly minor, became hard to deal with for a while.

Since then, I've healed a lot- I still have my days when I feel guilty for living, and there's never been a day I'm not thinking about her, but I'm not depressed anymore, at least. I started writing letters to her after a while (in fact, this journal is one I made just to write to her on), telling her about my life, and I have a picture of what I think she'd be like, based off of me and my mom. I've given her the name Violet Stephanie- Violet just felt right, and Stephanie was supposed to be my name.

I miss her a lot, so much it hurts, and there are times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever really recover from being the one to live.

But this is long already, and it's late, so I'll leave this here, with another thank you for listening.
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[20 May 2004|10:23pm]

[ mood | hurting ]


I'm Cora, 33, surviving half of identical twins.

I seem to have a few things in common with Ashlee, whose story I read just now.  I don't know if Mum knew she was having twins early on in her pregnancy, but from the third month on she did.  Both Rianne and I suffered brain haemorrhage at that moment; she much more severe than I.  Mum threatened to miscarriage, but somehow the doctors managed to stop it.  From that moment on, or perhaps even before that, Mum spent her time flat on her back trying not to lose us.

At 6.5 months we had to be delivered.  The doctors began to induce delivery on Friday evening, and in the early morning of Monday we arrived -- the sac still intact.  There was a big black star in the sac on Rianne's side, and we were both born black with lack of oxygen.  I don't know how I crawled through the eye of the needle there, but I did.  Rianne died minutes after we were born.  I don't know who was first.

I don't think I ever had a fascination with twins, but like Ashlee described I *knew* something was missing; I felt incomplete.  I grew up looking for that something, not knowing what it was I was looking for, and never able to fill the hole. 

I think it's about 7 or 8 years ago that Mum and Dad told me that I'd had a twin, and suddenly it all fell in place, much more still when a few months later they told me that we were identical twins.  She was part of me as I was part of her; of course I felt incomplete!  It's only been a year or 2 that I've known her name, and knowing it has somehow made it easier.

I too went through an episode of sexual abuse, which ended as recent as 1998, which is when I met the man who's now my husband.  Meeting him eased the pain; it felt as if something fell into its place.  The whole's not fully filled, it never will be, but the healing has begun.

It is strange.  Last year I had a major crisis related to Rianne, coinciding with a critical moment in my mother's fight with cancer.  At this very moment I fear for my father's health, and there she is again ... It almost seems as if my grief for Rianne acts as a kind of replacement for the pain and sorrow I feel for our parents ... as if my grief for her is easier to cope with because it is so familiar ... does that make any sense?

I'm doing a lot of thinking at the moment; looking for answers.  I've always thought the soul entered the body at the moment of conception, but since identical twins are the result of a break-up of the embryo, that theory doesn't hold ... does the original soul split in two as well?  And is that perhaps the cause of the physical split?  Was the original soul too strong for the body, and is that why it split?  So many questions, and never a firm answer ...

Do you guys ever think of who you'd have been if your twin had lived? How different would you have been?

I know Rianne foresaw the strife and struggle that lay ahead of us, and that she knew only one of us could make it ... I used to feel guilty for surviving, but then my husband gave his point of view: Rianne sacrificed herself so that I might live... It made me feel better.

I know I need to deal with my grief ... I can't keep running from it.  I'm thinking of writing about it; a diary of sorts; maybe letters; I don't know.  Something along the lines of Who would I have been if Rianne had lived?  Where would I be?  What would I be doing?  And not just me, also Mum and Dad ...

I don't think I'd be here right now, if she'd lived.  If she'd lived she would have been severely disabled, and I would not have grown up the way I have now.  Mum and Dad would've had to share their love between us, and logically spend a lot more time with her ... I would probably have grown up jealous, and not the caring, openminded person that I am now.  Or maybe I would've, and would have lived my life by her side, looking after her.  IF ... that'll be the title of this exploration of grief.

Anyways, signing off now; I've got an early start tomorrow.  Just want to say how glad I am to have found this group!

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It was suggested that I post this here... [14 Apr 2004|08:48pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

I originally posted this in my own journal, but rockstargrrl suggested I post this here.

Why is it that no matter how well my life is going - no matter whether or not I'm on an 'up' or on a 'down' - I still wake up every single morning and I feel like I'm half of a whole?

Why is that? And will it ever go away?

I'm trying not to identify myself in that way. I am trying to take my own advice. I am trying to live by one of my personal 'mantras,' because it does help to an extent.
We can't change the past. We can only change the way that it shapes our futures.

I feel an emptiness, and a guilt that I can't seem to shake.

And it's like I told a friend, about a similar kind of emptiness...

"We are not what has happened to us - we are who we are because of what has happened to us."

I want to think of myself as "Ashlee, the free-thinker. Ashlee, the girl who finally accepts herself as a person. Ashlee, who loves herself." I don't want to think of myself as "Ashlee, the twinless twin." Therapy has helped me, along with a lot of soul-searching. I think of myself as those first three... but that last one, it tends to linger there, in the background. No matter how much I just want it to let it go, I just can't.

I can't.

Any thoughts?

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[25 Feb 2004|05:01pm]

[ mood | numb ]

R.I.P. Trish. Soon we'll get to play again.

RIP Trish...
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My Story [30 Dec 2003|01:41am]
_constellation sent me a link to this community, so I thought fit for me to post my story as you all have.

My name is JoyAh, and I live in Virginia.
I've been separated from my twin since about 5 months old.
We were born in Pusan, South Korea. Upon my adoption, I've heard not a word about her since. The information my adoption agency has provided for me is slim and ambiguous. The only information I have on her at all is the mention of "Babies" and "Girls" written on a sheet of paper delivered with my birth certificate speaking of our habits and what-not. Also, that we both were given the name, "Ah."
I can't really say I feel incomplete without her. I've managed fine without her so far, however I would still like to meet her and tell her that I've been looking for her, and that I think about her.

I have more information about us on my website:

I think perhaps there's a chance I may be able to find her. But we'll see. :)

- Joy A h
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[28 Dec 2003|03:27pm]

I lost my twin brother at 7 months old because of a freak accident. I'm not going to talk about it here, but here is a link to his memorial page that I made.

he and our older sister look very much alike. My older sister doesn't resemble me remotely so if he were around today, everyone would probably assume that my sister is his twin and that I'm adopted.

if anyone has ideas on how I could spruce up his page a little bit, or have seen graphics involving twins, let me know.
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[30 Nov 2003|12:06am]

My name is Ashlee and I am 19. Before I tell you my story, I want to first thank you all for being out there - I am so glad to know that I'm not alone, especially since I have felt alone for my entire life.

When my mother was pregnant, the doctors told her that she was having twins. Suddenly, they no longer said that she was having twins, but instead one baby. Me. The doctors assumed that they merely made a mistake. Three months before I was due, she delivered a placenta, but no baby. I also tried to be born then, but they sewed me back in, where I stayed until 3 weeks prior to the due date. I was born a healthy singleton. My mother was very ill after delivering the placenta, which I believe belonged to my twin sister (there is no medical evidence supporting the fact that my twin was female, I've just always felt in my heart that she was). My mother had pre-eclampsia and toxemia after her pre-term labor and was bed-ridden and hospitalized for 3 months before I was born.

For my whole life, I've had a fascination with twins and with sisters. I have always felt as though part of me was missing. When I was younger, I had an imaginary friend whom I said was my twin sister. People have come up to me on the street (on more than one occassion) and told me that they had met my twin sister, or have asked me if I had a twin, because they just had a feeling that I was. Weird, I know. When I was 13, my mom finally told me that I was a twin, and that my fascination with them and my imaginary childhood friend had frightened her. It was then that I began to feel as though I wasn't crazy, that I was just mourning the loss of part of myself.

I went through periods of depression, self-injury, of anorexia and bulimia - both stemming, I believe from both my feelings and from the emotional and mental abuse that comes from my alcoholic father. I am also a sexual abuse survivor... I feel that my letting the abuse continue for years before stopping the pattern was because I felt so unworthy of love and as though I don't deserve to be happy. Through therapy, I have overcome many of these feelings, but I can't shake the feeling of lonliness and abandonment that is inside of me.

I guess I am looking for answers. Why am I the one who lived? Why am I, presumably, the strong one, when here in life I have feelings of such weakness and inadequacy? Why couldn't we have both been born? Why did I have to go through life alone, and feeling as though part of me was missing?

I feel not-so-alone now that I've found this community. Thank you again, for listening to my story.
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[13 Sep 2003|01:26pm]
My name is Lori and I am 32 years old. I was born an identical twin. Amy died almost 7 years ago of cervical cancer. I miss her every minute of every day.
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Hi =) [12 Sep 2003|11:24pm]

I can't believe I finally found a community I can really relate with. Thank you!

I'm Sarah, from Nebraska. My twin brother, Daniel, and I will turn 16 on November 11th - could it get any weirder? heh. Well, Daniel died approximately thirty hours after we were born of Polycystic Kidney Disease. Sadly, I was stuck behind. He isn't the only brother I have up in Heaven, though. Joshua was born just a year before us, only on October 3rd (I think it's the 3rd...or the 6th or the 8th? oh wow. I feel horrible). He died a couple hours after birth of Potter's Syndrome, a type of Polycystic Kidney Disease. I do have one other brother, though. Stephen will be 21 on November 7th. [We'll both be legal - wahoo!] Suprisingly, Steve doesn't have any problems....except a little ADD, but I personally do not think his ADD is half as bad as mine.
I don't know how to explain it, but somehow it feels like my brain is being eaten away. I just don't feel as smart as anyone. And my depression...the test didn't show any results of me having Bipolar Disorder, but my mother and I both see the symptoms, just like in the rest of our family. My depression is a long nauseating rollercoaster. It started lifting off in the sixth grade, when I was admitted as an outpatient at a clinic. I could not stop thinking about my brothers, and wishing I were dead. To tell you the truth, the feeling hasn't stopped. When I look at certain situations...where people are fighting to live, I just cannot feel anything there, because I wish I could just die, and go up to Heaven to be with my brothers. I just do not have any motivation to live anymore. Although I would never do anything to hurt myself, I wait for someone or something to take me away. It sounds obsurd, but I don't want the pain.

Sorry this is such a long post. I thought I had more to say, but I can't remember (I can't trust my memory at all).

I'll leave with this: I've been thinking of what to do for our birthday to celebrate with and honor Danny, but I want it to be something real - not just a visit to the grave to pray or leave flowers. I don't know what I had in mind, but I think this is a big year, so we should do something big.

Thanks for creating the community and tolerating my long, confusing post. heh.
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[28 Aug 2003|09:08pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I've spent about two hours searching livejournal for a community that relates to this subject.

My name is Tara, I'm 18 years old and live in Western Australia.

I was a twin. My mum never kept this a secret from me, and I've always been thankful for that. She's always let me just deal with it the way that I see fit.

We would have been identical, but my twin vanished before we'd even been in the womb for three months. Three years ago, I got tired of refering to her as "my twin" so I named her: Stacey. I haven't given her a second name yet. I'm still searching for something that seems to fit.

Last night my mum stumbled across this site. It is specifically about people who have lost their twin one way or another. I read in fascination. I can't believe how common this situation is!

Sadly, reading that last night, also confirmed for me a lot of fears.

I am about 25lbs underweight. Ever since I started primary school, I've eaten little, and been very underweight. Reading through this last night helped me to understand this.. My father was emotionally and psychologically abusive towards myself and my family. My parents separated on July 23 last year, and we're gradually healing. Last night, I uncovered another emotional and psychological scar. Since I was a young girl, my father told me that I was the "greedy one" and that I starved my twin sister -- that was the reason she didn't survive. I've been feeling extreme anger and biterness towards my dad since late last night..

I realise its not true. But there's a difference between saying "It wasn't my fault" and acting from that knowledge. So now, at 18 years old, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I've had an eating disorder since I began school.

I'm looking for people with simular stories. People who can give me strength, and in turn, whom I can strengthen..

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Introductions [18 Jul 2003|03:07am]

[ mood | restless ]

Greetings all! I'm your ever-so-friendly maintainer, rockstargrrl and came upon this community as a result of endless searches for those who are seeking support and understanding for the loss of their twin.

I thought I would start with a little bit of information about myself and my twin. I was born 3 and 1/2 months premature and was only 1lb 2oz. when I was born. I am six minutes older than my identical twin, who was 1lb 8oz. at birth. She died three days later due to heart complications and low birth weight. I also lost an older sister two years prior to my birth; she died at 8 months of age due to head trauma.

I didn't understand my mother's reaction to my birthday for a very long time. She would throw party after party for my childhood birthdays, but someone else usually took care of the day of my birthday because she would be weepy and silent. When I was 9 I found a baby picture that I pointed out to my mother; I had thought it was me. It was then that she told me that it was my identicial twin sister, who was deceased. She never really talked about the experience, and it took years of soul-searching, talking to relatives, and even securing her birth and death certificates for myself to understand. Shortly after discovering the baby picture, my mother subsequently burned all of my (and presumably my sisters') baby pictures, but not my younger brother's. Suffice it to say, she has not handled it well.

As a result, I find myself with huge amounts of survivor's guilt. Core messages such as 'she should be alive instead of me' and 'what a mess I've made of a life I shouldn't even have' are at the heart of a great deal of emotional distress for me. But that's a whole 'nother journal now, isn't it?

Come...share your stories...I'm eager to meet and connect with others who've lost such a special bond.

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