« || • S a r a h • || » (spewnwizard) wrote in timelesstwins,
« || • S a r a h • || »
spewnwizard
timelesstwins

Hi =)

I can't believe I finally found a community I can really relate with. Thank you!

I'm Sarah, from Nebraska. My twin brother, Daniel, and I will turn 16 on November 11th - could it get any weirder? heh. Well, Daniel died approximately thirty hours after we were born of Polycystic Kidney Disease. Sadly, I was stuck behind. He isn't the only brother I have up in Heaven, though. Joshua was born just a year before us, only on October 3rd (I think it's the 3rd...or the 6th or the 8th? oh wow. I feel horrible). He died a couple hours after birth of Potter's Syndrome, a type of Polycystic Kidney Disease. I do have one other brother, though. Stephen will be 21 on November 7th. [We'll both be legal - wahoo!] Suprisingly, Steve doesn't have any problems....except a little ADD, but I personally do not think his ADD is half as bad as mine.
I don't know how to explain it, but somehow it feels like my brain is being eaten away. I just don't feel as smart as anyone. And my depression...the test didn't show any results of me having Bipolar Disorder, but my mother and I both see the symptoms, just like in the rest of our family. My depression is a long nauseating rollercoaster. It started lifting off in the sixth grade, when I was admitted as an outpatient at a clinic. I could not stop thinking about my brothers, and wishing I were dead. To tell you the truth, the feeling hasn't stopped. When I look at certain situations...where people are fighting to live, I just cannot feel anything there, because I wish I could just die, and go up to Heaven to be with my brothers. I just do not have any motivation to live anymore. Although I would never do anything to hurt myself, I wait for someone or something to take me away. It sounds obsurd, but I don't want the pain.

Sorry this is such a long post. I thought I had more to say, but I can't remember (I can't trust my memory at all).

I'll leave with this: I've been thinking of what to do for our birthday to celebrate with and honor Danny, but I want it to be something real - not just a visit to the grave to pray or leave flowers. I don't know what I had in mind, but I think this is a big year, so we should do something big.

Thanks for creating the community and tolerating my long, confusing post. heh.
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