MerrickLynn (merilynn) wrote in timelesstwins,
MerrickLynn
merilynn
timelesstwins

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Why didn't I think to look for this sooner?

Reading through everyone's posts, I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts.

Since I can remember, I always thought something was missing. Growing up in church I'd always hear about "the empty hole in your heart" before you accept Christ. I always assumed I was a horrible Christian because that hole hadn't gone away no matter how hard I prayed or how much I read the Bible or went to Sunday School or Confirmation or any of the things that are supposed to bring you closer to God. It turns out that I've got a great relationship with God, I'm just missing my twin.

My mother had lots of problems carrying a pregnancy to term. She doesn't talk much about it, and I don't ask because you can see the pain in her eyes, but from what I've gathered there were 3-4 miscarriages before I was born and then 2 after with my real dad and one when I was 13 with my stepfather.

When I was young, my mom would threaten to cover all of the mirrors in the house with a black sheet if I didn't stop staring at myself. I've had bouts with depression and an eating disorder. When I was about 14, it slipped. My mom spilled the beans to me that the story of, "I was so big the doctor thought I was having twins" really was "I was having twins." My twin didn't make it very far into the second trimester. She was so happy to just be pregnant at all, she didn't jinx it by telling anyone it was twins and since my father wasn't the most supportive man in the world, she never even told him. It was never brought up. She had a beautiful baby girl and that was all that mattered.

I'm so glad this community is here. I hardly talk about my twin, but I miss her. People don't understand... and since my mom doesn't talk about it, no one really knows.
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