Lee Lee (shesabutterfly) wrote in timelesstwins,
Lee Lee

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It was suggested that I post this here...

I originally posted this in my own journal, but rockstargrrl suggested I post this here.

Why is it that no matter how well my life is going - no matter whether or not I'm on an 'up' or on a 'down' - I still wake up every single morning and I feel like I'm half of a whole?

Why is that? And will it ever go away?

I'm trying not to identify myself in that way. I am trying to take my own advice. I am trying to live by one of my personal 'mantras,' because it does help to an extent.
We can't change the past. We can only change the way that it shapes our futures.

I feel an emptiness, and a guilt that I can't seem to shake.

And it's like I told a friend, about a similar kind of emptiness...

"We are not what has happened to us - we are who we are because of what has happened to us."

I want to think of myself as "Ashlee, the free-thinker. Ashlee, the girl who finally accepts herself as a person. Ashlee, who loves herself." I don't want to think of myself as "Ashlee, the twinless twin." Therapy has helped me, along with a lot of soul-searching. I think of myself as those first three... but that last one, it tends to linger there, in the background. No matter how much I just want it to let it go, I just can't.

I can't.

Any thoughts?
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